I would wait like a good girl

So when it's quiet outside

I'd start listening to my heart

and I heard them loud, longing for you

This is not a first, 

that I want to depend, I'd cried 

I guess that is how much, I wanna rely

the expectations which I had yet recognized

kept filling me, until the lid blew up

Somehow when you speak, and that is rare

it reaches straight to my heart

since it is real words you speak

there is depth in each that I wanna trust

it would be too much to forfeiture 

time, energy and emotion

it is illogical, to ask to put oneself in misery 

if amidst a lot of options 

I still want him to solely wait for me 

I would not want to see you lonely 

I would not want to claim you in agony

as cliche as it is, "I want you to be happy"

I would not be proud of, sacrificing some one for the name of love

 

although  I have set my trust and hope

to the only one that I'd let through my world

and for you...

Running out of reason

It seems I know you from the past.

but how can I not.

perhaps what is imprinted in my brain

for thousands of years all over again,

is what you are as a man.

It is not karma or  destiny

De javu nor reincarnation

it is not fabricated emotion

crafted for my convenience  

as on every stage everything falls to place

imprints buried in my neurons

lights up as I recognize a pattern

fitting perfectly inevitably agree

I AM RUNNING OUT OF REASON

as the most natural thing happens

 

Love Is...

I wanna make your morning coffee 

I wanna warm you more under the blanket

I wanna round my arms pull you closer

 greet you with a peck on your neck

I wanna love you, and make sure you know you are loved

I wanna make you feel complete and fulfilled

Satiated and content

And because I can't give you all of that, 

I will back down and give a chance,

To someone else who could give you all that

Like the way I could. 

No matter how I much I would. 

From a Taurus to a Virgo

 I love you.

There is no doubt about that.

It is the type of love that seeps slowly,

over the passage of time, 

over escalation of private encounters,

over honest conversation, 

and shall stay for a very long time.

A love which is hard to shrug off. 

A love that I cannot pretend that I am not.

A love that makes one sobs in the dead of the night. 

Realizing one's falling hard.

A love that is inevitable yet, impossible.

And I have no other choice but to face the truth

That this gonna hurt any other way.

And I have no other choice, but to accept the pain wholely, beautifully, sincerely, thankfully 

That I had the chance to be acquinted to such form of pure, unconditional love, in this life time.

I love you.

I really do.

September 3rd.

It has only been 3 weeks & 3 days since that day. 

And it has been like I have been longing forever.

A part of me is so sure I want to run straight to you.

A part of me is laughing at my self, being in this obsession which we all  know, 

will not suit me.

It is almost impossible to switch what we're used to, comfortable to, for so many many years. No matter how I am compelled to do so.  

Not all have the courage to change the status quo. To change the way we have lived for a very long time for a certain someone. Although, before my very eyes, someone has done that for me over this course of twelve years. And I might have too, under my consciousness, done the same thing for him. 

Adapting to our new invented mold under that union of, what we called 'love'. 

It is amazing how people would do a 'leap of faith' to some unfamiliar ground for someone that they barely knew. I got no energy left for that, especially, when I am already so comfortable with my current place and position. When I am already loving my surrounding, which I have created and decorated for my utmost intention of comfort. Why would I wanna leave all this for a new voyage to the unknown.

I am all about exploration to find new opportunities in the other land, but, all journey should always start from the same safe house that I call home.

Some people are very young at heart, with  so many courage inside. Perhaps they don't know what they want to and gonna find anyway. Thus the energy to continue searching, bound every time to a new journey. 

Some people have that wandering soul even until they have ripened, not knowing how to settle down. But not me, I am bound to where I should be. My core. That I have found after carrying out the similar journey when I was younger.

I knew what I wanted to find and  have found what I have been looking for, here.

I like what I have found, it gives me utmost comfort, although I do know that I am compromising other vital matter, which at the end, has created a void in me. The shore where I dropped the anchor is not the  beach with perfect water temperature. But, I could live with the ever soft white sand running through my toes and feast on the view of transparent turquoise colored sea, couldn't I?

But I have to tell you, you feel familiar. You feel like that perfect water temperature that could just fill my void right away, and I could fill yours. I am honestly scared that the more I know you, the more I will drown in that deep blue sea.

Being close to you, feels like, crashing my waves onto you, to then being together to fit the mold. 

It feels like the most natural thing I would have ever done.

It feels like I could just look into your eyes, being fulfilled and completed. 

 

   

The job interview

I wonder, if I would feel better if I just admit it. 

What made it hurt more than loosing the opportunity, is loosing you. Too...

You came into my life, not like a storm, but like water that slowly seeps through the crack of soil. 

You don't crash on me like heavy rain on to the ground. But like drizzle, steady and sound. 

Rewinding back, it is not first love at first sight at all.

Just some friendly encounters, swift hellos, commenting on my hair... 

You must have found me funny and interesting. After all, I am a little alien with bundle of courage, that sometimes makes a wave. 

During those initial encounters, you were too tall for me to look straight into your eyes, long enough to make me fall.

But that day, September 3rd, we were 30 cm apart for like an hour. Enough for me to suddenly came into a revelation, how it would be nice if those hands hold me, like the way your kind word has protected me.  

You've got it all controlled inside, do you. 

Well, not me. Unfortunately I am a very unstable soul, that constantly feels lonely. I fall.

I have unknowingly fall, during my efforts to impress you. I even cried one night just because I was so desperate of not getting my email answered. That should have served as warning that it was no longer only about defending my position. 

Loosing opportunity is a regular daily occurrence. And there's nothing else but to cry it out and stand back to continue doing best. Because sometimes, principal holds some consequences. If things don't go as expected, at least you did what you think what's right. 

   

 

 

To whom it may concern

His name is Igarashi, 

Igarashii Yuuto.

I know him from years ago, actually I still have his business card.

I was this new-nervous-clueless girl in the office being introduced to really tall guy with glasses from the parent company. 

Years past... 

We were walking our own path. 

Things got worse for me, 

tested me, almost broke me.

There were days when my mind were blank, lost few stops of train, lost hope, cried, giving up and gritting it through, while saying to my self, it can't be that bad. Until now I don't now if what I had back then was really bad for me mentally, or did my courage of not wanting to be oppressed and knowing my right and self worth just help me pushed all through it with a total IDGAF come-what-may attitude.

Those hard times taught me to look for chance, no matter how bleak, no matter how small, and to seize it. Cause nothing felt as horrible as having lost of hope.

I just kept pushing through with all kinds of way and imagination running wild, practically fake it till you make it. Trying to get back on track. Trying to earn my title back.

When I finally picked my confidence up, little by little, I did run to you once in a while. Mostly on the hall. Just a simple "Good morning" or "Good afternoon". Nothing more.

But, there was this, one occasion, you were walking with one of the managers, who stopped me while saying, 

"Now, now, you with that attire looking too cute, is this allowed Mr. Director?", 

and I think it was the first time I saw you giggled while answering, "Yes, it is fine :)", to my rather puzzled response of "Thank You!", while bowing in glee and walked away.

We were officially reintroduced, the beginning of this year, when I was asked to get some documents from you. When my Director introduced me again to you, he asked "Is this your first time meeting each other?", both of us just smile to each other, looking into each others eyes, like two child keeping the same secret while saying "Nah, we've met". 

I was on the top of my confidence the second time I was introduced to you. I was no longer the timid girl who didn't dare to look at you when we exchanged business card. But I guess you know, I have always had that timid side of me. Was that your consideration as you proceed carefully?

You gave me your email. And you visited me on my desk. Catching me unalarmed. Saying sorry for coming from my back as I jolted in surprise. Were you entertained? 

I thought it was easy to talk to you, without me having to feel intimidated. Not that I don't have knowledge of your position on the hierarchy. Your smiley, welcoming and warm personality made it easy for me to express my self, sending emails after emails. The difficult position I was in, made me not want to loose your attention. You were and are my only hope.

These were the beginning of it all.

Your kind & understanding words. I genuinely, sincerely would like to thank you for that. It made me shed tears to reminisce that kindness in you.

When we rode elevators together, we talked longer than we usually do. We talked about things other than work. You always seem to follow the movement of my hands. Distracted by them?

And on the hall. You praised me for one of the reference document I made and I jokingly said "I wanted to have these feeling conveyed".  Then, you walked up to me, and what was supposedly to be a short meeting on the hall, turned into conversation of us two without a care in the world. 

Few days ago,

we had this meeting, where I had the chance to see other side of you. 

I was rather surprised to find strict stern tone in your words, thankfully those words were not meant for me. I unconsciously compared the ever low soft tone you use when you talk to me, and that scary one I heard just now. 

And I realized again, how kind and fluffy you've been to me :)

That did it. 

That made me think. 

And that brush of hand as you pointed something on my laptop screen.

I think that triggered me. 

In my helplessness, as you were explaining that draft, I was following your hand, scrutinizing the pores on your hand, wondering why they look so cushy. Huge hand, but cushy.

God forbid. 

During that explanation, I carelessly blurted your name amidst the chaos and hopelessness in my soul, breathlessly in the sweetest manner, that is almost considered inappropriate for working environment, 

"Igarashii saan...".

Did you pause a moment before responding, "Yes..."?

***