I wanna make your morning coffee
I wanna warm you more under the blanket
I wanna round my arms pull you closer
greet you with a peck on your neck
I wanna love you, and make sure you know you are loved
I wanna make you feel complete and fulfilled
Satiated and content
And because I can't give you all of that,
I will back down and give a chance,
To someone else who could give you all that
Like the way I could.
No matter how I much I would.
I love you.
There is no doubt about that.
It is the type of love that seeps slowly,
over the passage of time,
over escalation of private encounters,
over honest conversation,
and shall stay for a very long time.
A love which is hard to shrug off.
A love that I cannot pretend that I am not.
A love that makes one sobs in the dead of the night.
Realizing one's falling hard.
A love that is inevitable yet, impossible.
And I have no other choice but to face the truth
That this gonna hurt any other way.
And I have no other choice, but to accept the pain wholely, beautifully, sincerely, thankfully
That I had the chance to be acquinted to such form of pure, unconditional love, in this life time.
I love you.
I really do.
It has only been 3 weeks & 3 days since that day.
And it has been like I have been longing forever.
A part of me is so sure I want to run straight to you.
A part of me is laughing at my self, being in this obsession which we all know,
will not suit me.
It is almost impossible to switch what we're used to, comfortable to, for so many many years. No matter how I am compelled to do so.
Not all have the courage to change the status quo. To change the way we have lived for a very long time for a certain someone. Although, before my very eyes, someone has done that for me over this course of twelve years. And I might have too, under my consciousness, done the same thing for him.
Adapting to our new invented mold under that union of, what we called 'love'.
I am all about exploration to find new opportunities in the other land, but, all journey should always start from the same safe house that I call home.
Some people are very young at heart, with so many courage inside. Perhaps they don't know what they want to and gonna find anyway. Thus the energy to continue searching, bound every time to a new journey.
Some people have that wandering soul even until they have ripened, not knowing how to settle down. But not me, I am bound to where I should be. My core. That I have found after carrying out the similar journey when I was younger.
I knew what I wanted to find and have found what I have been looking for, here.
I like what I have found, it gives me utmost comfort, although I do know that I am compromising other vital matter, which at the end, has created a void in me. The shore where I dropped the anchor is not the beach with perfect water temperature. But, I could live with the ever soft white sand running through my toes and feast on the view of transparent turquoise colored sea, couldn't I?
But I have to tell you, you feel familiar. You feel like that perfect water temperature that could just fill my void right away, and I could fill yours. I am honestly scared that the more I know you, the more I will drown in that deep blue sea.
Being close to you, feels like, crashing my waves onto you, to then being together to fit the mold.
It feels like the most natural thing I would have ever done.
It feels like I could just look into your eyes, being fulfilled and completed.
I wonder, if I would feel better if I just admit it.
What made it hurt more than loosing the opportunity, is loosing you. Too...
You came into my life, not like a storm, but like water that slowly seeps through the crack of soil.
You don't crash on me like heavy rain on to the ground. But like drizzle, steady and sound.
Rewinding back, it is not first love at first sight at all.
Just some friendly encounters, swift hellos, commenting on my hair...
You must have found me funny and interesting. After all, I am a little alien with bundle of courage, that sometimes makes a wave.
During those initial encounters, you were too tall for me to look straight into your eyes, long enough to make me fall.
But that day, September 3rd, we were 30 cm apart for like an hour. Enough for me to suddenly came into a revelation, how it would be nice if those hands hold me, like the way your kind word has protected me.
You've got it all controlled inside, do you.
Well, not me. Unfortunately I am a very unstable soul, that constantly feels lonely. I fall.
I have unknowingly fall, during my efforts to impress you. I even cried one night just because I was so desperate of not getting my email answered. That should have served as warning that it was no longer only about defending my position.
Loosing opportunity is a regular daily occurrence. And there's nothing else but to cry it out and stand back to continue doing best. Because sometimes, principal holds some consequences. If things don't go as expected, at least you did what you think what's right.
His name is Igarashi,
Igarashii Yuuto.
I know him from years ago, actually I still have his business card.
I was this new-nervous-clueless girl in the office being introduced to really tall guy with glasses from the parent company.
Years past...
We were walking our own path.
Things got worse for me,
tested me, almost broke me.
There were days when my mind were blank, lost few stops of train, lost hope, cried, giving up and gritting it through, while saying to my self, it can't be that bad. Until now I don't now if what I had back then was really bad for me mentally, or did my courage of not wanting to be oppressed and knowing my right and self worth just help me pushed all through it with a total IDGAF come-what-may attitude.
Those hard times taught me to look for chance, no matter how bleak, no matter how small, and to seize it. Cause nothing felt as horrible as having lost of hope.
I just kept pushing through with all kinds of way and imagination running wild, practically fake it till you make it. Trying to get back on track. Trying to earn my title back.
When I finally picked my confidence up, little by little, I did run to you once in a while. Mostly on the hall. Just a simple "Good morning" or "Good afternoon". Nothing more.
But, there was this, one occasion, you were walking with one of the managers, who stopped me while saying,
"Now, now, you with that attire looking too cute, is this allowed Mr. Director?",
and I think it was the first time I saw you giggled while answering, "Yes, it is fine :)", to my rather puzzled response of "Thank You!", while bowing in glee and walked away.
We were officially reintroduced, the beginning of this year, when I was asked to get some documents from you. When my Director introduced me again to you, he asked "Is this your first time meeting each other?", both of us just smile to each other, looking into each others eyes, like two child keeping the same secret while saying "Nah, we've met".
I was on the top of my confidence the second time I was introduced to you. I was no longer the timid girl who didn't dare to look at you when we exchanged business card. But I guess you know, I have always had that timid side of me. Was that your consideration as you proceed carefully?
You gave me your email. And you visited me on my desk. Catching me unalarmed. Saying sorry for coming from my back as I jolted in surprise. Were you entertained?
I thought it was easy to talk to you, without me having to feel intimidated. Not that I don't have knowledge of your position on the hierarchy. Your smiley, welcoming and warm personality made it easy for me to express my self, sending emails after emails. The difficult position I was in, made me not want to loose your attention. You were and are my only hope.
These were the beginning of it all.
Your kind & understanding words. I genuinely, sincerely would like to thank you for that. It made me shed tears to reminisce that kindness in you.When we rode elevators together, we talked longer than we usually do. We talked about things other than work. You always seem to follow the movement of my hands. Distracted by them?
And on the hall. You praised me for one of the reference document I made and I jokingly said "I wanted to have these feeling conveyed". Then, you walked up to me, and what was supposedly to be a short meeting on the hall, turned into conversation of us two without a care in the world.
Few days ago,
we had this meeting, where I had the chance to see other side of you.
I was rather surprised to find strict stern tone in your words, thankfully those words were not meant for me. I unconsciously compared the ever low soft tone you use when you talk to me, and that scary one I heard just now.
And I realized again, how kind and fluffy you've been to me :)
That did it.
That made me think.
And that brush of hand as you pointed something on my laptop screen.
I think that triggered me.
In my helplessness, as you were explaining that draft, I was following your hand, scrutinizing the pores on your hand, wondering why they look so cushy. Huge hand, but cushy.
God forbid.
During that explanation, I carelessly blurted your name amidst the chaos and hopelessness in my soul, breathlessly in the sweetest manner, that is almost considered inappropriate for working environment,
"Igarashii saan...".
Did you pause a moment before responding, "Yes..."?
***
「 愛の裏表は無関心」。
1年半前、2019年２月12日のmorning assembly、
あなたのスピーチの中そのフレーズが出てきました。
私もそのフレーズ知っています。
英語だと「The Opposite of Love, is indifference」。
自分にとって、そのフレーズは深い意味が有ります。
まさか、その場で、あなたみたいな存在から、またそのフレーズと出会ったなんて。
嬉しくて。
どなたか、そのフレーズを知っていること事態、その上、あなたみたいな存在から聞けることをすごく嬉しく思っています。
今の時代、出会いは愛より、婚活は仕事探しみたいなことになってしまう時代。
どっかで、どなたか、愛について、いまだに大事と考える、深く感じる人が居て、
それを知って、安心して、嬉しかったです。
「あなたにとって、
あの言葉の意味は何ですか？」
私にとっては。。。
ある時、「愛」をなかなか手離せない私、
2年間も引きずって、自分が思ってる「愛」をずっと抱え続けました。
どんそく、地獄のような日々でした。
自分を完全に失って、最悪な人間になりました。
何回も「代わり」が見つかっても。
そう言った日々の中、ある日、そのフレーズとで会った
「The opposite of love is indifference」。
何故かそれを、目にした瞬間、そのフレーズのひとつ、ひとつの言葉が
自分の中に響きました。
深く、響きました。
今まで、手放せられない、離れない、ずっと抱えながら引きづっている、自分が思ってる「愛」について、も一度見直しました。
これは、まだ「愛」と言えるのでしょうか。
こうやって、今だに「愛」の意味を持っているのでしょうか。
そうだ、あの人は、もう、私を完全無視して、私に対して「indifference」になってました。
たとえ、自分が死んでも、あの人は、損もなく、普通にさり気なく、いつもどり、何も知らず日々を続けているのに。
今の状態の私、責任も何も感じなくて、何も知らないふりで、あの人は普通に、生き続けているのだ！
何故、私だけ、自分を人生の中の2年間を失っているのか。
この2年間、自分が思ってる「愛」をずっと抱え続けている意味は
もう、無いんだ。
自分の中で、それをやっと気付きました。
そんな簡単に、愛と愛では無いの区別ができるのに、
何で、あのフレーズと出合ったまで、ずっと、自分はそれを気づかなかったんですか。
あの日から、
散らかってる
失った自分を少しづつ、
拾ってきました。
